I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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