How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
even my farts smell like vagina
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
