Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
