I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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