So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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