I just pynch a tree in the face
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
