You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
