K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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