I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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