I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
