oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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