3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
