I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
