I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
