even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
