He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
