she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
