***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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