I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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