READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Holy shit dude........stairs
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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