come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
