News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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