My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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