Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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