I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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