Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
