why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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