Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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