I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
