I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
