I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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