Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The uberlube is also flammable
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
