No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
