I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
