He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
