Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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