why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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