then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
