Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
