Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
