You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
