I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
