i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
