Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
