Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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