i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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