gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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