Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
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