Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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