You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
me + whiskey = a bad person
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
