I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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