I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
