I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
