Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
