I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
